When the smoke clears

Sitting here thinking about how messed up I am...wondering if other people think as much as I do about the negative effect events in their lives have had on them. It's incredible really, how badly one or two bad relationships (even just friendships) can mess you up. It's an erosion, really. One day you're a boulder and then suddenly you're tumbling along the bed of a river before you realize that you're now a pebble. As a Grey's fan, I have to quote something from the recent series premiere; Callie says in that dawn-breaks-over-marblehead voice, "I don't dance in my underwear anymore." You never really thought about it before, the person you used to be; we get so caught up in who we are now because that's just how it is, that's just who we are. It's only in a moment of dissatisfaction or blindingly painful heartache that we realize how much we've changed. When someone brushes you off and you wait for the pang but it never comes, because you're so used to being brushed off that you don't feel it anymore. When someone violates your trust and you expect to walk around devastated for days but you rebound after a quick shower because really, when was the last time someone didn't violate your trust? You end up shrugging and saying 'whatever' more often than crying or bleeding from the inside out because your expectations have shifted. And that's what hurts the most: realizing that you've morphed into someone who can't feel the way you used to feel. To end in the style of Grey's Anatomy, the heart is vascular tissue; once the damage is done it never works the same.